You can read the explanation post from the other day by going to my main blog page. But I just wanted to remind everyone incase people didn’t see it since I posted it so late in the evening I don’t think many people saw it.
So incase you want to talk still please message me for my personal blogs link/I’ll just follow you, I will be deleting this blog in a few days.
It’s been a long time coming. It was made aware to me that the website isanyoneup is no longer well… up.
I’ve sat here basking for a few hours thinking about things. And I realized I need for my own personal clarity need to delete this blog.
What does IAU have to do with it? I was submitted to the website by someone I used to be in love with. Have I sent nudes out to other people? Yeah, I have but I am an adult. I can make these decisions. I do not toss them around, they’re not free for the taking. The photos I sent this particular person were explicit and he posted them to the world. Yes in 90% of this it was my own fault. Don’t send things you don’t want on the internet. But this is someone I loved and hoped to spend my life with. Like most relationships, things don’t work out. But I believe even after a break up love doesn’t suddenly die, it didn’t for me and I was the one who broke up with him for hurtful things he began to do. So it was not as if I had done something to him and this was his pay back for me being a bad girlfriend. I could have done the same back to him with his nude photos. But I can not comprehend that drive to want to harm someone publicly like that.
I do not do not even post explicit things in my fetish modeling. Or was. I began to really do fetish modeling after the IAU situation happened. After having received hundreds and hundreds of messages and friend requests on my Facebook having been submitted along with these photos I could not mentally take it. I felt violated. Not just by someone I had loved. But violated by everyone person who thought it was ok to degrade me through direct messages. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the emergency room. The only blog post I haven’t deleted is a photo of me in the ER from that night.
I do not write this for a matter of wanting sympathy. As I said the VAST majority of this was my own unintended doing. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t know what respect is. Sending out nude photos. But I am not to blame for it all, this I do know regardless of what anyone may try to say. I am writing this to explain the shut down of this blog and to largely thank you.
I realized I began this modeling to try to take back what was mine. To take back being told how people wanted to sexually assault/abuse me in handfuls of messages. To take back feeling violated. To take control of my body again. In this process I learned so much. I grew. I am infinitely stronger because of this. I never again will wonder if I am beautiful. I will never again tolerate the injustices of hate and ignorance that come with body shamming. I still plan to be apart of the body positive movement but now as a woman who still will not be afraid of posting her thighs on Tumblr, but with out feeling like I have to in order to feel like I have the final say in regards to my body. To every person who has bought content, to every person who had encouraged me through out this process to keep going when I initially wanted to stop. You didn’t know it at all at the time, but you made me heal from this process and then some. You were the ones who made me feel in control of my body. I could not say more how much I thank you. Even prior to this situation I never felt my body was my own. I felt like because I was plus sized my body was an open market to be judged by anyone because I wasn’t beautiful. And now I don’t know how I ever thought that.
You have all been entirely supportive. From all of the hate that I endured while promoting the modeling on this blog from fat phobics/eating disorder blogs dozens of you had these photos appear on your dash were moved by what you some of you called resilience not to give in to hate or societies standards of beauty. You have all brought me to tears hearing your words of how what I have done or said has helped you. You have also made me cry for sorrow yet joyful that you have lived in agony of not feeling desirable because according to society you are an outcast because of your size, shape, color, or gender status and from here on out are not allowing yourself to live in that pain. You are not an outcast, you are normal. You are beautiful. Not a days goes by I do not think of the many of you who have said I have inspired you to begin to accept the amazing and beautiful creatures you are. You in return have all inspired me to remain positive, because I am not always so strong. I too even have weak days, a day where I wake up and things just can’t go right from the get go so with all the bad things going on I ended up blaming myself or taking things out on myself. But you have kept me strong. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for every kind word, for reaching out to me to thank me for things I never in my wildest dream would have thought would ever been read let alone make an impact on someones life. You are all incredible.
If you would like to follow me on my personal blog, please message me and I will send the link. And in a few days I will be deleting this account.